Category Archives: Bottom 3

Friday Bottom 3: Kevin Costner Movies

What do I say about Kevin Costner?  I don’t really like his acting, and I don’t really dislike his acting.  He’s just kind of there.  These are the movies that I don’t like starring Kevin Costner.

#3.  Waterworld – I saw this stinker at a drive through in Tennessee my second year in college.  The budget on this flick was so high and the expectations were not even approached, much less matched.  As an action film, it’s about average.  As an epic film it totally bombed.

#2. 3000 Miles to Graceland – This action film is supposed to have “style”.  Yea, it’s style if you consider garbage to be style.

#1.  Dances With Wolves – I really don’t know why I dislike this movie so much, but I do.  I suppose it could be the complete pile of unrealistic trash combined with political correctness.

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Bottom 3: New Year’s Day Traditions

These are some of the strangest New Year’s Day traditions.

#3. Avoid Breaking Things – It’s not that this is a bad tradition. My problem is this: Why are we waiting until new year’s day to avoid breaking things?

#2. Go get something new to wear on New Year’s Day – The idea is that if you get some new clothes to wear on New Year’s Day then you will get even more new clothes throughout the year. WRONG! I am trying to make good use of the things that I have but don’t use. Why do I want to get something new in order to go out and get a bunch more new stuff? Doesn’t make sense.

#1. Nothing leaves the house on New Year’s Day – It’s supposedly bad luck to even take as much as the garbage out of your house on New Year’s Day. So, how do you and your clothes and personal effects get exempt from this rule? And, if not, does that mean that you have to stay shut in on New Year’s Day? The other part of this tradition is that if you have anything that needs to go out, be sure to have it outside on New Year’s Eve, or in your car. That’s just great. Some drunk partier will steal or break it. I think I will just skip those traditions.

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Friday Bottom 3:: 12 Days of Christmas

Christmas came and now Christmas has gone leaving us the remnants of Christmas dinners, wrapping paper, and for many people credit card bills. The one sure thing you can count on every year is for the radio stations to play The 12 Days of Christmas, or some parody of it. These are the bottom three gifts from the 12 Days of Christmas.

#3. 3 French Hens – 1st of all, hens are a little messy and they eat all the time while they scratch around in your yard and destroy your grass. They taste good, but I would rather go on down to the grocery store. Besides all that, these hens that we are talking about are French. I am totally against that.

#2. 11 Pipers Piping – I am not 100% sure what a piper piping sounds like, unless their talking about a bagpipe. If so, I could handle one piper piping, perhaps on St. Patrick’s Day. But 11 would be way too noisy and chaotic. Christmas is supposed to be calm, you know, a Silent Night and all that.

#1. 10 Lords a Leaping – What could be worse than one lord leaping around (probably in leotards)? Multiply it times 10 and you have the worst gift out of the 12 Days of Christmas. I question their intentions.

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Friday Bottom 3: Christmas Decorations

Every year, we see people express their Christmas spirit through various decorations.  These, to me, are the three worst Christmas decorations.  Please note that this is my opinion and in many instances a bad decoration is better than no decoration.  To those of you who will call me Scrooge, BA HUMBUG!

#3. Christmas Lights – Most Christmas lights are great, but there’s always that one house with a single stran of multi colored lights zig zagged through a bush or tree.  I think you have seen the one I am talking about.  “A” for effort, but I have to say that you fail.  🙂

#2. Inflatable Christmas Tigger – OK, maybe even an inflatable Winnie the Pooh or even inflatable snowman, but I will give Santa Claus a break this time.

#1. Motion Sensative Singing/Dancing Reindeer – Easily, this is the most annoying Christmas decoration.  We are talking Billy Big Mouth Bass of the Christmas season.  I especially despise the ones that play “Rockin Around the Christmas Tree” or “Jingle Bell Rock”.

Ba Humbug

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Bottom 3: Christmas Presents

If any gift is given with sincerity, then there is really no bad gift. But, there are times when I look back at a gift I’ve given and ask myself,”What was I thinking? That was a bad idea.”

Here is my list of the three worst Christmas gift.

#3. The Iron – I’m not talking about a great set of irons for that avid golfer in the family; I’m talking about the Rowenta that shows your wife what you are really thinking about at Christmas. The iron is representative of so many other items one could give, like a mop, a vacuum cleaner, or a new container of Tide concentrated laundry soap.

#2. The Chia Pet – “Makes a great gift!”. Yea, maybe for an aspiring young gardner who lives in a high rise apartment building. Seriously, are the clapper, chia pet, and garden weasel type items really purchased and given as gifts?

#1. The Reindeer Christmas Sweater – I think everyone gets a gift like this every year. It’s the gift that never gets worn out, but not because it’s durable; it’s because it never gets worn. It’s the special Christmas red or green sweater with a reindeer, a Santa, or snowman on the front. This gift is also represented by the Christmas tie, Christmas socks, Christmas mug, Christmas beanie, and Christmas underwear presents.

Remember, context is everything. So if Aunt Edna gives you a hand made sweater, she put a lot of time and effort into that gift. And if little Johnny picks out a cute gadget gift that really HE wanted, you have to receive that gift in the spirit it was intended, with love and thoughtfulness. And if your wife or mom give you a new pack of socks, maybe she’s trying to help you out because you’re a bum who will wear the same pair of socks until your toes pop through the front.

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Friday Bottom 3: Christmas Songs

Inspired by Victor’s link to a site listing the most overplayed Christmas songs, I decided to list my bottom 3 Christmas songs of all time.  The truth is that all three of the bottom three are so bad that they should be listed as co winners of the #1 worst Christmas songs.  I am sorry, but I just hate these tunes.

Dishonorable Mention:

All I Want for Christmas is You by Mariah Carey – I loved it, until it was played so many times that I want to scratch my eyes out and jump off the Empire State building while drinking antifreeze every time I hear it.

Jingle Bell Rock by Bobby Helms – Like the previous song by Mariah Carey, I guess it wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t attached to singing Christmas trees similar to the Billy Big Mouth Bass.

#3. The Christmas Song by Alvin and The Chipmunks – The voices are annoying enough, then add the goofy 3/4 waltzy bop timing with a polka feel, and you have a daggum horrible tune that everyone thinks is so cute.  NO IT’S NOT!

#2. Santa Baby sung by anyone – This version is Eartha Kitt who made the tune famous.  It’s annoyingness needs no description.

#1. Rockin Around the Christmas Tree performed by Brenda Lee – To me, this song sounds like fingernails scratching a chalkboard.  I hate this song.  I hate this song.  And for the record, I HATE THIS SONG.  There, I feel better now.

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Friday Bottom 3: Holiday Food

These are some foods that are most commonly associated with Christmas, New Year, and Thanksgiving.  If properly made, some of these are not so bad.  They have developed a bad reputation because either they are difficult to make or people skimp on the ingredients because they are expensive.

#3.  Mincemeat Pie – Why would anyone spend as much as it would take to make this strange concoction of dried fruits, nuts, meat, spices, and (not enough) sugar.  The crust tastes good, though.

#2.  Green Bean Casserole – The truth is, this world famous holiday casserole is not bad.  The biggest problem is when you make it with everything coming from a can: canned green beans, canned of cream of mushroom soup, and canned fried onions.

#1.  Fruitcake – I have had a good fruitcake before, and it’s decent.  Unfortunately, most fruitcakes would be better described as a petrified cake.  I have heard of one fruitcake lasting for 73 years before someone tried to consume it.  On the day it was consumed, it looked like it had just been made.

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Friday Bottom 3: Hairstyles

This bottom 3 really isn’t too hard to compile. You take hair, you do weird things to it that make it look silly, you reserve a spot on the Bottom 3.

Dis-Honorable Mention:

The Mohawk – I wonder if the Mohawk Indian tribe really had this type of hairdo or if it’s just some undeserved moniker. Notable mohawks include Robert Deniro in Taxi Driver and Mr. T of the A Team!

The Bowl Cut – This atrocious haircut was featured in the movie Dumb and Dumber, but one of the most famous persons sporting a bowl cut was Moe of the Three Stooges. You simply take a soup bowl, place it on the cranium, and cut off of shave all the hair that remains outside the bowl.

The Hi-Top Fade – Notable Hi Toppers from the late 80’s and early 90’s were Wesley Snipes, Patrick Ewing, Scottie Pippen, Big Daddy Kane, Arsenio Hall, and the ultimate Hi Topper, Kid from Kid and Play! I guess people wearing high top’s on their head could not wear a hat.

And now, the bottom 3…

#3. Glam Rock Big Hair – Think Poison, Whitesnake, Stryper, Motley Crew, and old school Bonjovi to name a few. Wait, on second thought, don’t torture yourself. Interestingly, it seems King Louis XIV was the first notable person to sport big hair. The French are always screwing things up! (To all the French out there, I’m only kidding. For everyone else, I’m serious!)

#2. The Mullet – If you don’t know what a mullet is, you weren’t paying attention to the world (especially the South) in the 80’s. A notable person who recently was sporting a mullet is Jesse Santoyo of the Saturn Project. But business up front and party in the back just doesn’t work unless you’re a Major League Baseball player. Billy Ray Cyrus had one of the greatest mullets of all times.

#1. The Jheri Curl – I have known some great people over the years who wore Jheri Curls. I know even this hairstyle was acceptable in mainstream society at one time. But come on! This was just a bad idea altogether. The most notable Jheri Curlers were Jesse Jackson, Michael Jackson, Eddie Murray, and Andrew Dawson. Here are some good Jheri-sources and a Jheri video. Jheri juice stains can still be found on the backs of seats on the Metro Rail here in Miami. I am not sure if those stains are from years ago, or if there are still people out there who are holding on to the possibility that America will bring back this really bad idea.

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Friday Bottom 3: Actors

These are the three worst mainstream male movie and TV stars of the last 20 years, according to me.

Dis-Honorable Mention:
David Hasselhoff – He needed Kit’s help to learn how to act.

#3. Jean-Claude Van Damme – He was a good actor in slow motion only.

#2. Steven Seagal – Another martial arts expert trying to act. Don’t get me wrong; I do like some of his movies. But his skills as an actor are nowhere close to his chops, karate chops that is.

#1. Ben Affleck – Watch the movie Pearl Harbor or Dare Devil and then try to argue with me that he was anything but horrible as an actor. How did this guy make it so big?

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Friday Bottom 3: TV Talk Shows

These are the three most annoying talk shows I have seen before.

#3 Jenny Jones – On too many occasions, Jenny Jones set up dramatic situations of all types of “crushes” from people who were totally unexpected.  It ended up resulting in the murder of one of her guests.

#2 Ricki Lake – What can be said about this annoying show?  Too many boot camps and makeovers!

#1 Maury Povich – I guess every TV talk show has a gimmick.  On Jerry Springer, it’s fighting on Geraldo, it was throwing chairs, Montel has horrible psychics, well Maury’s is that you run behind the stage when things get tough.  When I am clicking through the channels and Maury is on, I have to change it quickly because it is like a black hole.  YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!

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