Tag Archives: Bottom 3

Friday Bottom 3: Actors

These are the three worst mainstream male movie and TV stars of the last 20 years, according to me.

Dis-Honorable Mention:
David Hasselhoff – He needed Kit’s help to learn how to act.

#3. Jean-Claude Van Damme – He was a good actor in slow motion only.

#2. Steven Seagal – Another martial arts expert trying to act. Don’t get me wrong; I do like some of his movies. But his skills as an actor are nowhere close to his chops, karate chops that is.

#1. Ben Affleck – Watch the movie Pearl Harbor or Dare Devil and then try to argue with me that he was anything but horrible as an actor. How did this guy make it so big?

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Friday Bottom 3: Reasons not to Vote

Last week, I listed what I believed were the 3 worst reasons to vote, and this week I will discuss the other side. These are my three worst reasons to decide not to vote.

#3 Both candidates are the same so it does not matter which one I vote for. What? Have you been paying attention? While one candidate is a very smooth talker, has the swagger, and definitely carries himself with a certain aire, and the other candidate is physically hampered by war injuries that were not properly treated, does not have the silver tongue, and is does not carry the most inspiring aura, that is not the difference I am talking about. I am talking about one candidate proposing the type of change that takes from one man who has earned his pay, to give to the man who has not earned, stands for the right to abort at any stage of pregnancy using any medical procedure available for any reason, believes minors should be able to abort their unborn without the consent of their parents, and that the American tax payer should pick up the tab for those abortions while the other candidate opposes abortion in all cases with the exception of the life of the mother being in jeopardy, and opposes the redistribution of earned income from the people who earn to those who do not. These are major differences worthy of one casting a vote.

#2 My one vote doesn’t matter. Look at the millions of votes cast. What difference can I make? Hey, back in 2000, that theory failed. The presidential race came down to a very slim margin and after numerous recounts, it took the US Supreme Court to tell the Democrat lawyers in FL that they could not ignore their own state constitution and just continue recounting until they got the result they wanted. It was that close. While there were thousands of fraudulent votes from felons that were believed to go for Gore that year, there were also quite a few confused voters in Palm Beach County who may have cast a few thousand votes for Pat Buchanan on the infamous “butterfly ballot”. That’s a different story for a different day. The point is that if not for a few hundred people who may have decided to vote last minute, the election results could have been different.

#1 The candidate I support is too far behind. The election is over. Why bother? Well, no candidate is technically “behind” or “ahead”. The polls that we hear about are opinion surveys that use complex formulas including weighting political affiliations, economic groups, age and race demographics, likely vs registered vs general population groups, and regional weighting. No major poll releases their exact formula for deciding who they call to survey or how they determine their prediction of how the vote totals will fall. That is the reason why it is said by the experts that you can make a poll say whatever you want. Don’t miss out on your opportunity to decide just because you are discouraged by the polls. As you can see over the past few days, the polls have tightened up. As I have stated before, I am very distrusting of our mainstream media. Who holds them responsible? If they will not cover this election fairly, what would preclude them from skewing the polls to discourage votes on the side they oppose? The fact is that there is only one poll that matters, and that is the vote that is cast on election day (except the ones who vote absentee and early).

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Friday Bottom 3: The Hatchback

These were some of the worst cars ever mass produced and available for US consumption.  They were ugly and they were just bad cars.

Honorable Mention:

Ford Pinto – My mom and dad owned one of these gems when I was a little guy. I still remember that old fella. I wonder what junkyard it is in at this point.

Chevy Chevette – I guess Chevrolet wanted to get in on the embarrassment too!

#3 AMC Pacer – The Pacer was bigger, heavier, and almost as ugly as the #1 on my list.

#2 Yugo – Ugly, unreliable, unsafe, cheaper than a matchbox car, more cheaply made than a soapbox car, but it sure was super gas efficient.

#1 AMC Gremlin – The name alone makes me wonder what AMC was thinking when they produced and marketed this nasty little car.

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Friday Bottom 3: Bad Investments

From an article in the conservative voice, these were the worst investments in the market.

Beginning June of 1932, 1 Year negative 43.13%

Beginning May 1932, in 5 years negative -6.99%

Beginning in August 1939 after 10 Years only 0.67% growth.

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Friday Bottom 3: Classic Rock Male Vocalists

These rock icons made it big despite their horrible sounding voices.

#3 Joe Cocker – While I really do enjoy Joe Cocker’s music and his raspy voice is not exactly unappealing, nobody can listen to “You Are So Beautiful” and say that he has a great voice.

#2 Bob Dylan – He was a great song writer whose style and return to the basics had a huge impact on rock, but his vocal talents surely did not garner him any accolades.

#1 Neil Young – His lack of talent on the guitar was not only matched, but far surpassed by his horrible voice.

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Friday Bottom 3: Comedians

Obviously, it is not possible for me to assess the 3 worst comedians since the 3 worst comedians never made it.  This bottom 3 lists the worst comedian of any notoriety.  The criteria is not only the most annoying or least talented, but also the most outlandish, ridiculous, and stupid acts and performances contribute to my ranking.  If you disagree with me, please tell me why so I can laugh at how incorrect you are.  First, in assessing the worst comedians, it turns out that some of the worst are women.  No offense to the ladies, but maybe I just don’t get the type of humor that some of these ladies try to produce.  Don’t get me wrong; I believe there are some very funny women.  I don’t necessarily agree with their lifestyles or their ideology, but that is not what makes someone funny or unfunny.  To me, Ellen DeGeneres is a very funny woman.  I wouldn’t place her in a list of my favorite comedians, or even in the list of best comedians, but to ignore her talent and wit is not easy to do.  Enough!  Here is the list.

Honorable Mention: This list is too daunting.  I should have made a top 100.  Sandra Bernhard, Rosie O’Donnel, Judy Tenuta, Louie Anderson, Paula Poundstone, Gilbert Gottfried, Sarah Silverman, Carrot Top, Roseanne Barr, Michael Richards, Whoopi Goldberg, Joan Rivers, Bob Goldthwait, Elayne Boosler, and Al Franken were barely on the outside looking in at the Bottom 3.

#3. Pauly Shore – Hey buuuuuddy!  NO NO NO NO NO NO NO, and for the record NO!  This guy is beyond annoying and not funny at all.  He was a huge comedic presence in the early 90’s but he was particularly bad as early as a cartoonish support actor providing “comedic relief” in For Keeps.

#2. Dane Cook – How did this guy get to be famous?  I watched a full length special on TV by this bum and I did not find one funny moment to laugh at.  I guess I am the idiot for wasting my time.  His bit is about as funny as Roseanne Barr singing the national anthem.  I don’t know that he cannot be funny, or if it is that he tries too hard to be funny.

#1. Kathy Griffin – It’s the screechy voice, the disgustingly crass “jokes”, and the hate against everything to do with Christianity that makes me cringe when she shows up on TV.  To me, she is by far the worst comedian or comedien.

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Friday Bottom 3: Bad Products

Have you ever watched a commercial and thought “how ridiculous!”? Today’s bottom 3 are the silly products you have seen advertised and pushed on the public that make you wonder who is buying them. Whether it’s a commemorative gold plated coin that is passed off as having been minted by the US Treasury, or just a useless product that found it’s niche, many bad products continue to make money. If they didn’t, I am sure they would have disappeared by now.

3. The Clapper – Clap on, clap off, the clapper! Are you too lazy to flip the light switch on the wall? No problem, just clap your hands in bed and let there be light! I think this is just a novelty, because remote controls are available at just about anywhere lights and fans are sold. They are much quieter and they control more functions than just on or off for one lighting device. The commercial is classic, though!

2. Chia Pet – Ch-ch-ch-chia! Let’s see, you take a ceramic sheep or human head, spread some alfalfa seeds, water it regularly, and pretend that the sprouts are hair. I actually know people who have purchased Chia Pets.

1. Spray On Hair – This is a product that preys on the insecurity of men who are losing hair and are desperate for help. Bro, let it go! What’s more embarrassing: A thinning dome, or flecks of black or brown paint falling all over your clothes from your head?

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Friday Bottom 3: The Movie Sequel

Don’t you love my Top 5 and Bottom 3 lists having to do with movies? It’s like a sequel. You know it’s going to stink, but you have to go see it anyway. These are the worst sequels/prequels ever made. In order for a movie to qualify for my list, the original at least had to be entertaining. There will be some discussion about a movie or two that should have been included in the list, but I don’t believe anyone will argue that these should have been left off because of their quality. In fact, if you disagree with these selections, you are wrong and should face a civil penalty.

Dishonorable Mention

Next Karate Kid – Truly only the first movie in this series was good. Wax this one off, please.

Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd – Some may disagree that the original was good. Personally, I believe the original Dumb and Dumber to be a quality film which touches on everyone’s inner desire and ambition to succeed, and stirs an emotion not easily described. Well, it could also be the hilarious ex-lax and toilet scene that makes the original great, so I could be wrong. But, the lack of talent and thought in writing part two left you with just a silly mash up of horrible jokes and stupid humor.

Jaws: The Revenge – This one was so close to making the bottom three. It’s saving grace was that the Jaws 3-D sequel before was almost as bad, so this one could hardly be much worse. Both were plain awful, but this one was as big a stinker as Mount Trashmore.

Drum roll please….

#3 Rocky V – I am very grateful that Sylvester Stallone redeemed himself in the last installment. In Rocky V, they tried to do something different. Rocky was not fighting for money this time. He was retired, and he had developed a talented fighter. His protege (sorry I couldn’t find the accents) turns against him, and a caricatured Don King waving a flag and saying “Only In America” watches in the background as grandpa Rocky kicks some Tommy Morrison tail! It’s really much better to picture it in your head than to watch it on a movie screen.

#2 Speed 2: Cruise Control – I liked the first Speed flick. It was fun, fast-paced, with some action, and a nasty villain. The second was just an attempt to capitalize off the success of the first. The acting and storyline were so laughable! Did Sandra Bullock’s career ever fully recover?

#1 Batman and Robin – Holy Stinker, Batman! There has to be a purpose in a movie with good material like the Batman and Robin comic heroes turning out to be more like a Broadway show. Someone was trying to bankrupt Warner Bros. Pictures. The villains were not scary, the good guys were not likable, and the plot seemed like it had been written by a 13 year old. That is a bad combination for a movie with a budget the size of most countries’ GDP. I think they spent all their money on the almost A-list cast and uniforms and forgot to pay for a story, special effects, or sets. Arnold Schwarzenegger, George Clooney, Uma Thurman, Chris O’Donnell, Alicia Silverstone (who was actually a big name at the time), Vivica Fox, and Elle McPherson were all cast in this joke without the Joker. This may be the worst movie ever made, unless you are a pothead in which case you may have actually enjoyed it.

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Friday Bottom 3: Movie Remakes

Some movie remakes ruin the original, some originals need modern effects and updated acting and culture to bring them to our time, and some movies just should not be remade. What category do you think these movies fall into?

Dis-Honorable Mention:

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory – The only reason this movie did not make the bottom 3 was that it wasn’t 100% a remake. It was a reinventing of Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory which according to what I have read was somewhat darker and more loyal to the novel. Regardless, the original was a classic and was good enough!

101 Dalmations – A translation from animation to motion picture, this was a stinker and should not have been made.

#3. Psycho – Most critics agree that this movie brought nothing new, original, or better in any aspect compared to the original. This movie also fits into the category of those movies that should not be remade. The original was almost perfect.

#2. King Kong – This is the 1976 remake with Jeff Bridges. The major differences between the 1933 original and this one are: The original was shocking and imaginative while the 70’s remake was not; the original used ground breaking special effects while the 70’s remake used a man in a monkey suit; and the original contained excellent acting… You get the “picture”. I am glad Peter Jackson remade the remake.

#1. Planet of the Apes – SPOILER ALERT While the original did have men dressed in monkey suits, the concept is one of the aspects that really made the movie great. Earth sends astronauts to explore, they land on a planet where man does not speak and apes are intellegent. The ending which was totally removed in the remake revealed that the planet was earth and “they blew it up!”. The remake brought a little more action but none of the drama or shock of the original. The difference was so great that this movie earns #1.

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Friday Bottom 3: Political Speeches in the Last 10 Years

OK, so a couple of these speeches go a few months over 10 years. They were too good not to include them.

Honorable Mention:
Hillary Clinton and her vast right wing conspiracy. Only one day after Bill wagged his finger at the camera, Hillary comes up with the VRWC.

Al Gore created the internet. People try to claim he didn’t say it, but during his attempt to puff himself up, he did take credit for the creation of the internet. That quote came back to haunt him as it was referred to over and over.

#3. John Kerry said that he actually did vote for the $87 billion before he voted against it. This debate answer has to be one of the biggest screw ups caught on camera. Many people believe his nuanced answer may have cost him the election.

#2. “I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Ms. Lewensky” In a January 1998 press conference, Bill Clinton wagged his finger at the camera and declared with the most serious face ever that he did not have sexual relations with someone. It has been speculated that his speech could have been rearranged in this manner. “Ms. Lewensky, I did not have sexual relations with that woman!” Was he actually pointing at his wife while talking to Monica Lewensky? If so, he may not have lied.

#1. Addressing disappointed Iowa supporters, Howard Dean lets out a string of inspirational words that sounds like Ted Kennedy after drinking a pot of coffee. You can’t quite understand what he was saying, but whatever it was supposed to be turned out to be extremely funny. The scream was replayed countless time and totally sunk his floundering campaign.

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